Does it a shame to use a sex toy ?
My sexual budding was very early.
When I was about six or seven years old, I liked to touch their breasts when sleeping next to female elders, like to sleep with a quilt or pillow, and deliberately tighten my underwear when I was wearing my pants.
At that time, I didn’t think there was any problem with these weird movements, just pure liking and curiosity.
Later, I learned that there are several stages in the development of human sexual consciousness, and sexual consciousness will sprout around the age of three.
When I am in my junior high school, with the advent of menstruation, the feminine characteristics of the body have become more and more obvious, and I want to know more about my body.
The first time I had a systematic understanding of my own body structure was in biology class . The biology teacher was a graduate student who came to support teaching.
She did not deliberately avoid it when she talked about the body structure of boys and girls. At that time I knew how the baby comes, and what the names of those organs are instead of “there”.
Before that, my only sex education was my first refractory period, my mother taught I learned how to use sanitary napkins, but she didn’t even tell me how many days my menstrual period would be. I thought it would keep flowing forever.
Hormonal restlessness in adolescence not only brings about the throbbing of the opposite sex, but also the lustful sexual desire from time to time.
After high school, my sexual desire became more and more vigorous. I began to look for sex videos or pornographic articles , and I learned to masturbate.
When my desires are strong, sometimes I even recover sex actives in my head in class.
Regarding sex, boys gather together to talk about pornography and watch sex videos.
However ,the girls avoided talking about it. Even for best friends, they would never mention this topic. I even thought that whether I had any mental illness or whether I had such a strong sexual desire.
What troubles me even more is that I am a disabled person.
As a disabled person, my gender is sometimes blurred.
For example, when I was in elementary school, the toilet in the female toilet was broken. My mother took me to the male toilet. She didn’t think there is any problem.
A female friend of mine in a wheelchair lifted her skirt because others wondered if she had legs. Or, a disabled boy whose family would bathe him in the crowded yard. Under such circumstances, who would thought that they also have sexual needs?
What’s bad is that I also seem to agree with this point. The sexual needs of people with disabilities are shameful.
I had a platonic relationship in high school. I was ashamed to tell him that I actually wanted to hug or even kiss, but my disability made me feel that we are more suitable for spiritual love.
Unfortunately, this spiritual love did not last long.
I had a short relationship in college, but because my family was always with me, I didn’t have the opportunity to date alone, so we couldn’t have sex until the relationship ended.
Unlike the virgin complex of most people, I went to the other extreme. I felt that being a virgin in my twenties was due to my lack of sexual charm, and I began to fall into self-doubt. At the same time, another voice around me: The first time is very important and sacred.
It should be “delivered” to someone who is worthy of trust. This is the first time that makes sense. So even though I was masturbating, I never tried the penetrating way, carefully protecting my hymen, the first time that it was “sacred”.
Whether to follow my inner desires or to wait for the so-called “person worthy of trust” who doesn’t know how long to wait, or maybe can’t wait.
This is a question. Until one day, I saw a saying that said: It is not the first time that is important, but every time you are important.
At that moment, I suddenly realized that, yes, why should I care about the first time so much? As long as it is safe and pleasant, isn’t every time important?
After breaking the wall of self-blocking, I began to look for my first sex toy , and watched various recommendations and reviews.
Finally, I chose a vibrator from Youou Sex Toy, which I gave it to my twenty-four years old birthday gift. I can’t wait to use it when I received it. It’s great to be able to satisfy my sexual desire freely!
Every time I finished using it, I would pack it up and hide it in my closet. One day, when my mom came to clean my room, my sister accidentally dropped it out of the closet. I quickly jumped out of the bed and screamed ， picked it up and hid behind me.
At that time, they continued their work, no one mentioned it. After thinking about it, my reaction at that time was really intense, but they had already seen through everything and did not mention that this was a sex toy.
Later, I started to be truly independent. I went to work in another city by myself, and I had a new relationship.
One day when I was dating, I generously told my mother that I was going on a date. I thought she would urge me to go early in the evening.
When I went home or something, she didn’t send a message to bother me. Then I asked her why, she said, I can’t understand your young people’s love anymore, but I think you have a sense of measure and will protect yourself.
At that moment, I realized that my mother understands me. She is just like most mothers and doesn’t know how to discuss with her daughter.
Once I talked to my boyfriend about my first time, I told him that my first time was with my beloved sex toy, and told him about my difficult mental journey.
He was surprised. He said that they were adolescent. Boys had almost no psychological barriers to sexual desire or masturbation, and some were even proud of it. He didn’t expect this incident to bother me so much.
So, lovely girls with sexual desire, abandon those so-called shame that are defined, because sexual desire is the same as wanting to eat!